Everyday (2022)

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I’m so tired my mind is racing

It’s the kind of exercises you give your whole self too

They require the body and the mind

Working at a hyper state 

And now here I am

Sitting in the entrance way of a restaurant called Mogwi and Jones 

Waiting for an order 

That I will cycle 2km across the city to deliver

I will do this for the next 3 hours 

I haven’t eaten

Which for me is hard

I just can’t wait to go home 

The workshops are so enlightening 

But I feel it’s too much to reflect on right now

Ask me in a month

Oh my fucking god it’s the 1st of February

And all those things I was supposed to do in January 

That didn’t get done 

I will have to do them now

Fuck 

 

I just tested positive for Covid 

Again

fuck

01/02/2022

Shopping list for a Covid-plagued queer boy: 

  • Bananas

  • Potatoes

  • Garlic

  • Mushrooms

  • Pepper

  • A vegetable that will taste nice with pasta or with rice 

  • Something phallus shaped

  • Rocket 

  • Vegetarian shnitzel

  • Olive oil

  • Something that will make me laugh 

  • Passata sauce 

  • Chocolate melty pudding things 

  • Chocolate 

  • Anything else that you think I might enjoy

  • Love 

  • Acceptance 

  • Joy 

  • Warmth 

02/02/2022

Don't panic, i'm outside your door and i'm coming in

I panicked

It was nice until it was uncomfortable

and then it really wasn't 

and the virus really amplifies anxiety 

really amplifies tension 

i told Danielle what happened this morning

from the night before

and i know somewhere in it she's right 

but just then i didn't need anyone to be right 

i didn't need suggestions 

i just needed to be heard

listening is something different for us

but i am active when i listen 

i just don't have to talk to prove it 

actions speak louder than words

but so do inactions

anyway i'm slightly lost with the two of them now

One bridge will be rebuilt with a message on whatsapp 

the other... will be more difficult i fear. 

or i hope

I couldn't think about what we needed to do in class either

the only thing i could do was sleep 

for 45 minutes

and let the thoughts untangle themselves on their own

I awoke much more positive

I sent a message on whatsapp 

I rebuilt a bridge 

They of course did all the heavy lifting

like i knew they would

my god i love them 

both 

he came back tonight and it was sublime

unecpected but sublime 

03/02/2022

A ritual to find togetherness through detachment, queerness through vulnerability

This is a rite of passage to find a connected sense of togetherness through detachment while simultaneously finding queerness though vulnerability

It involves this series of steps in this exact order. 

Ryan in his room with 4 bright windows.

Danielle in Sol's room with curtain closed  

Steef, Stelios, Gustavo, Gab, Tania, Vicky, Can, Emily in studio 4 in the ArtEZ main campus, Onderlangs, with stage lighting under the watchful eye of Andrea.

this rite of passage is from the perspective of Ryan:

A candle, positioned very close to the laptop screen camera, is lit. 

Ryan takes 10 steps back 

the Jumper is removed first 

the jumper is laid facing upward on the floor

the belt is removed next 

and laid out on the floor

the trousers are then removed 

and laid facing upward on the floor beneath the jumper

the shirt is the removed 

and laid facing upward on the floor 

then the socks

one at at a time and laid beneath each trouser leg respectively

then the underwear

As each garment is removed, a step forward is taken upon the shedded clothes 

a step closer to the laptop camera, to the the candle 

the glasses are then removed from the face

the candle is blown out

(as this candle is blown, a candle is lit by Danielle as she begins her sun salutations) 

Alejandro by lady gaga is the played on Spotify

and danced too, 

feeling movements

being unafraid to move

trying to not think about the builders outside

or the small audience watching through teams 

The dance shall be releasing 

the dance but contain power

must be forceful, reactive and fabulous

When the end of the track

a score or a tally is kept on the left foot 

the song will be repeated 10 times 

there will be 10 marks 

after the tenth playing of the song

the music stops 

A washing of hair is undertaken

kneeling before an altar of water 

on the Juliet balcony where a pool of water has formed from the rainfall of the last month

a pool of water which is also used as an ashtray 

an ashtray that was used last night for a difficult conversation, 

a symbol of breath and regret and love and eros

Once the hair has had a sufficient rinse 

the mirrored glasses are worn 

a long walk back to the laptop camera must be undertaken 

whilst wearing the mirrored glasses 

when the laptop is reached, 

the candle is reintroduced into the frame 

and lit 

the mirrored glasses hovering behind it

(As Danielle blows out the last candle)

The candle is blown out simultaneously 

Marking the end of the ritual. 

04/02/2022

What happened to time today 

it felt different 

slower

maybe it's a result of yesterdays ritual 

but it's nearly 23:00 at night and i've hardly done anything

task that usually take minutes took hours

I'm already aware that i do things slowly 

but this is worrying

maybe i need top perform a ritual about speed

where i try to increase my speed

get things dome immediately 

another one of our cohort has covid 

we're dropping like flies

I still have no symptoms so should be out by Tuesday 

i really hope so 

i need to be drinking in a bar 

after class 

digesting it all 

they did it all  last week 

and i couldn't join once

that was the most painful thing for me 

I couldn't hug Andrea after a few bears and thank him for what he has changed in me 

I'm not sure what it is but it's something big

i'm sure i'll discover it 

in a month

or a year 

or 2 years 

growing pains 

growing pains can beautiful 

are beautiful. 

05/02/2022

23/01/2022

24/01/2022