Everyday (2022)
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I’m so tired my mind is racing
It’s the kind of exercises you give your whole self too
They require the body and the mind
Working at a hyper state
And now here I am
Sitting in the entrance way of a restaurant called Mogwi and Jones
Waiting for an order
That I will cycle 2km across the city to deliver
I will do this for the next 3 hours
I haven’t eaten
Which for me is hard
I just can’t wait to go home
The workshops are so enlightening
But I feel it’s too much to reflect on right now
Ask me in a month
Oh my fucking god it’s the 1st of February
And all those things I was supposed to do in January
That didn’t get done
I will have to do them now
Fuck
I just tested positive for Covid
Again
fuck
01/02/2022
Shopping list for a Covid-plagued queer boy:
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Bananas
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Potatoes
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Garlic
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Mushrooms
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Pepper
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A vegetable that will taste nice with pasta or with rice
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Something phallus shaped
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Rocket
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Vegetarian shnitzel
-
Olive oil
-
Something that will make me laugh
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Passata sauce
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Chocolate melty pudding things
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Chocolate
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Anything else that you think I might enjoy
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Love
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Acceptance
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Joy
-
Warmth
02/02/2022
Don't panic, i'm outside your door and i'm coming in
I panicked
It was nice until it was uncomfortable
and then it really wasn't
and the virus really amplifies anxiety
really amplifies tension
i told Danielle what happened this morning
from the night before
and i know somewhere in it she's right
but just then i didn't need anyone to be right
i didn't need suggestions
i just needed to be heard
listening is something different for us
but i am active when i listen
i just don't have to talk to prove it
actions speak louder than words
but so do inactions
anyway i'm slightly lost with the two of them now
One bridge will be rebuilt with a message on whatsapp
the other... will be more difficult i fear.
or i hope
I couldn't think about what we needed to do in class either
the only thing i could do was sleep
for 45 minutes
and let the thoughts untangle themselves on their own
I awoke much more positive
I sent a message on whatsapp
I rebuilt a bridge
They of course did all the heavy lifting
like i knew they would
my god i love them
both
he came back tonight and it was sublime
unecpected but sublime
03/02/2022
A ritual to find togetherness through detachment, queerness through vulnerability
This is a rite of passage to find a connected sense of togetherness through detachment while simultaneously finding queerness though vulnerability.
It involves this series of steps in this exact order.
Ryan in his room with 4 bright windows.
Danielle in Sol's room with curtain closed
Steef, Stelios, Gustavo, Gab, Tania, Vicky, Can, Emily in studio 4 in the ArtEZ main campus, Onderlangs, with stage lighting under the watchful eye of Andrea.
this rite of passage is from the perspective of Ryan:
A candle, positioned very close to the laptop screen camera, is lit.
Ryan takes 10 steps back
the Jumper is removed first
the jumper is laid facing upward on the floor
the belt is removed next
and laid out on the floor
the trousers are then removed
and laid facing upward on the floor beneath the jumper
the shirt is the removed
and laid facing upward on the floor
then the socks
one at at a time and laid beneath each trouser leg respectively
then the underwear,
As each garment is removed, a step forward is taken upon the shedded clothes
a step closer to the laptop camera, to the the candle
the glasses are then removed from the face
the candle is blown out
(as this candle is blown, a candle is lit by Danielle as she begins her sun salutations)
Alejandro by lady gaga is the played on Spotify
and danced too,
feeling movements
being unafraid to move
trying to not think about the builders outside
or the small audience watching through teams
The dance shall be releasing
the dance but contain power
must be forceful, reactive and fabulous
When the end of the track
a score or a tally is kept on the left foot
the song will be repeated 10 times
there will be 10 marks
after the tenth playing of the song
the music stops
A washing of hair is undertaken
kneeling before an altar of water
on the Juliet balcony where a pool of water has formed from the rainfall of the last month
a pool of water which is also used as an ashtray
an ashtray that was used last night for a difficult conversation,
a symbol of breath and regret and love and eros
Once the hair has had a sufficient rinse
the mirrored glasses are worn
a long walk back to the laptop camera must be undertaken
whilst wearing the mirrored glasses
when the laptop is reached,
the candle is reintroduced into the frame
and lit
the mirrored glasses hovering behind it
(As Danielle blows out the last candle)
The candle is blown out simultaneously
Marking the end of the ritual.
04/02/2022
What happened to time today
it felt different
slower
maybe it's a result of yesterdays ritual
but it's nearly 23:00 at night and i've hardly done anything
task that usually take minutes took hours
I'm already aware that i do things slowly
but this is worrying
maybe i need top perform a ritual about speed
where i try to increase my speed
get things dome immediately
another one of our cohort has covid
we're dropping like flies
I still have no symptoms so should be out by Tuesday
i really hope so
i need to be drinking in a bar
after class
digesting it all
they did it all last week
and i couldn't join once
that was the most painful thing for me
I couldn't hug Andrea after a few bears and thank him for what he has changed in me
I'm not sure what it is but it's something big
i'm sure i'll discover it
in a month
or a year
or 2 years
growing pains
growing pains can beautiful
are beautiful.