Everyday (2022)

MAR

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OCT

NOV

DEC

SEP

I promised myself this year, this 2022,

that I would prioritise pleasure.
Everyday I will dance for pleasure.
Read for pleasure.
Write for pleasure.
Outside of the trappings of academic reading, writing or performative dance, these activities are for me, for me alone.
I don’t expect people to read this. It might be part diary, part confessional, part poetic journeying, part play. I am writing this on a train from Utrecht to Arnhem, still laughing to myself about riding an OV Fiets (the bikes you can hire from the train station) whilst wearing the tightest dress I own, the only dress I own. It was almost pornographic; my bare thighs shining in the glow of the evening.
I am writing this on a train and my voice is sore from belting karaoke bangers last night. We danced and sung and celebrated just by ourselves; I am alway struck at new years how close emphatic celebration is to destruction. Fireworks on the streets, explosions, pavements filling with fog, expanding then dissipating slowly. That smell. 
The day has whirled by as quickly as my view from this train window. The window is so dirty that the outside has become hazy. It’s like an Instagram filter but ugly-ifying.

I am thinking about that new years in a barn in Wales walking up that hill called Rodney something, spontaneously making mojitos the next day, giggling wildly. 

I am thinking about Ria.

I am thinking about the devisions, the binaries, the black and the white. If you are not this thing, you're that thing. I am thinking about anti-vaxers. I am thinking about Israel, I am thinking about Ikea. I am thinking about the grey. I am thinking about my fingernails, my fingernails painted grey. Grey tips. 
I listened to the album Prioritise Pleasure non stop yesterday, the last day of 2021. I cleaned my new room and thought of how happy the table has made me. I was inspired to paint a message for myself on the board of the table that makes it extend. Makes me able to host more friends, have bigger dinners.
PRIORITISE
PLEASURE
EVERYDAY
MAY THIS BE
A MIRROR
A PLATFORM
A CONDUIT
FOR HUMAN CONNECT
I LOVE YOU

01/01/2022

I spent 36 Euros at the supermarket yesterday

I hope those brownies are worth it.

Old habits die for a couple of weeks and then I start doing them again

It’s hard to be resolute with that nugget in your head

But I love how it makes me think of

'Old habits die hard or they don’t die at all’

How it makes me think of Thalaya Darr.

I’m killing mine slowly and I feel all the better for it

And I’m thinking of all the reasons I can’t love you

And it’s because I just can’t not now, maybe not ever but I said no too many times to feel respected

Because I say yes so often, doesn’t mean I always will

Because I say yes so often, when I say no I really really mean it

When I say no when I am lying naked in a bed I mean it more than I ever could

I can not love you for that

I can not hate you either

You are the most confusing person I have ever met

Sometimes it’s nice to be confused

Sometimes it enraging

I’m sorry but I can't love you, not like that

Not in that way

Tooth paste

Washing up liquid

Whipped Cream

Salt.

And I thought about how you were the one to help me take down this bed

Where I first saw you as a bull

Where I was unsure if I’d ever get it back up again

In a China shop

Or a closet, or a cupboard.

And today, I constructed that bed alone.

It feels like a chapter has closed.

Whipped cream is Slag Room in Dutch.

Slag room.

You asked me if I missed you

I said I missed everybody so I guess that includes you

I regret saying that now even though it’s true

You flirt with truth all the time

The lies we tell others only become lies if they know your lying

Shared truths

Shared pretence

I have to do some reading now but I can’t be fucked

You’ve probably done all the reading already.

But

I procrastinate away in my mind

I Let hours flutter by

I,

I,

I,

I’m

I’m sorry but I can’t love you, not like that.

02/01/2022

I spent 30 Euros at the supermarket today

I baked those brownies.

I don't know why I have to buy a crate of beer, I just like buying a crate; it feels naughty, reckless. 

There's issues with my contract at work,

I haven't worked for the last few days and I thought I'd be non stop. 

I'm doing nothing with my days but it's ok because tomorrow I'll do everything.

I keep writing a message then deleting it. 

I've felt foggy all day and I want to write about it.

Theres an image locked in my head of New Years Eve

The street in Utrecht that look like war

I have this image on replay in my mind, like a video tape thats glitching 

Not of fireworks or the pretty bangs but the aftermath;

the smoke expanding slowly,

creeping closer

I like the tempo that it moves

I like that as it gets bigger, it gets less

until it's nothing but air again

I want to recreate this in a clean space, a box made of glass.

I want money,

I want to move at the tempo of smoke,

Not a lot, 

It took me an hour to get out of bed this morning.

I'm going to do what I've been meaning to do for months, 

I'm going to do it now just after I do this

My friend told me that if I dye my hair black, I'd have to wear more make up 

My friend told me not to do it

I'm going to do it now.

I let out a loud sigh at the fact there were no 30 litre eco bags at the Albert Heijn right in the aisle for those around me to hear,

I left the supermarket regretting not stealing more items

two small tomatoes, free. 

I'm going to dye my hair black now 

and dance to some music as it soaks in 

i've bought the dye now I have to,

I saw a man whilst watching porn who has the exact hair I want

It was so ordinary though

I can't wait to see Steef; the picture of their new haircut really suits them

I want to look really fucking queer

I asked my friend once if my hair was too ordinary, if people would think I wasn't queer

and then she laughed and then she said, laughing 'don't worry, people couldn't think that'

She said she said the same thing to her partner 

and her partner said  laughing 'don't worry, people couldn't think that'

I'm going to dye my hair now and hope it's queer enough

I'm thinking what the caption should be on instagram; some black pun. 

fucking hell, I hate my own thoughts sometimes

I'm going to do it now...

The way moisture rises through a lateral flow covid self test.

The way clouds move across the sky. 

The way people move their arms when doing Tai-Chi. 

The way milk colours black tea.

The way a paragraph emerges from a blank page.

The way an explosion carries its aftermath. 

Black is the new black

I'm bringing sexy black 

Once you black...

I like my coffee like I like my hair...

03/01/2022

a project where people ring bells in order to recall memories

a project where people lie down in a cargo bike and are ridden around a city listening to an audio piece, seeing the city from a different perspective,

a project where two bodies become the two hands of a clock 

a project where I hold a smoke machine in my hands like a gun or on my shoulder like a camera

a project where I ride a bike across across France with 3 friends all wearing the same,  listening to the album 'Tour de France' by Kraftwerk non-stop

a project where audiences sit in a burnt out car and listen to Autobahn by Kraftwerk while snippets of the novel Crash by JG Ballard are read over the top whilst I move about in the distance, amongst the smoke wearing an oversized suit and looking like an alien

a project where something is filmed over 60 seconds

a project where subtitles are projected onto a sheet of perspex; only seen if the smoke behind the perspex is dense enough

a project where a trilogy of projects about time are presented; one about minutes, one about hours, one about seconds

a project where a trilogy of projects about Kraftwerk are presented; one about the album Tour de France, one about the song Autobahn and one I don't know yet.

a project where a trilogy of projects about deconstructing the voice from the body are presented; one about lip-syncing, one about vioceover and one about subtitles  

a project where I work with my brother and we explain the history of two seminal chairs and why we both love them 

a project where I host people around a table 

a project where I write something everyday for a year

a project where I help artists link up with other artists for an hour that could help them progress if they move to new country for example. 

a project where I run 

a project where i run through fog and it's filmed, and there will be a shot of me running down a hill, stumbling and falling over, rolling unsteady down the hill, and this shot will be played in reverse in the final edit of the film and I will be wearing a bright red jumpsuit

a project where it will end really suddenly in the middle of a sentence

a project where Ria will illustrate my dreams 

a project where two performers investigate how much Jacob Rees Mogg looks like Walter the Softy from the Beano, and how vile the tory party is. 

a project where i shoot a calendar with Annette Curtains 

a project where i host a monthly karaoke night under a drag character i will create called: X-Pat

a project where i call it Fog

a project where i get to work with Danielle

a project where i get to work with Steef

a project where i get to work with Racheal 

a project where i get to work with everyone on the course

a project where i get to work with a group of students

a project where i get to work with my brother 

a project where i get to work with you

a project where i get to work with Tom (again & again & again & again &

04/01/2022

And we laughed at the fact you said everything that comes into your head.

Yesterday I wore all black like I was mourning something

They said something slightly racist that made me feel uncomfortable but then I said something to them that made them feel uncomfortable so I guess we were even but it didn’t feel like it, it felt more like -2

It’s colder today than yesterday

Or someone

I haven’t laughed this much moving someone before, 

The coffee was spilt all over the floor and I love the way even disasters are celebrated with them

We talked about names on doors, another cultural difference

And scouting 

I think everyone should live in a foreign land for a bit just to understand how similar we all are, how easy it is to laugh, how borders don’t really exist, how you can celebrate your home land without it becoming nationalism, 

How your home is just  some land

And all land is connected

We all have a mother and we all have a tongue

And she said I was easy to love, that I was giving and it made me so emotional that I cried a little in the hallway as they had the inspection

And my tear turned to a smile as I heard the Dutch inspector from the estate agent say the word ‘suction cup’

I wondered what it was in Dutch

I thought about whipped cream again

Slag room

Spare iPhone Charger 

Sun removal device 

no Sim removal device  

05/01/2022

And even when I think I have loads of time I still have to run for the train

I do this all the time

As I read the word eroticism today I could hear rhythmic hanging from the apartment above.

The landlord told me they ran the swingers Sauna around the corner

Called Steamworks, he said, but I knew that already

‘I was quite tempted to try it’ he told me

His manic red eyes framed by his face mask

‘Well yes, sounds fun’ I replied because I didn’t know what else, I had no other words

‘We have cats’ she said in Dutch 

‘Sorry my Dutch is not so good’

‘Ah sorry, we have cats’

We are standing in the hallway, a bag filled with ornaments and shit I am yet to sort in my left hand and a desk lamp in my right, the doc Martin of my left foot propping open the door. 

‘Ah, I love cats’ because I don’t know what else to say, I had no other words. 

‘In case you hear fumbling above, it’s the cats’,

‘Right, I see’ I say, ‘I’m Ryan by the way, I’m moving into the flat downstairs’ 

‘Ah nice to meet you, I’m…..’ she says but I was too busy thinking about the word fumbling

Too busy to remember a name 

I really liked our brief encounter

I liked her smile

I could tell that she was a gregarious person 

I liked her energy

 I read the word eroticism and I hear rhythmic throbbing above but it didn’t sound like cats, it dosn’t sound like fumbling

It sounds like the beat of a headboard against a wall

The rhythm of sex 

I think about the sauna

I think about cats

I think about boxes of things

I think about transgression

I think I should invite them to dinner

I think I should visit their sauna 

I think I’m glad I’ve made it on this train

I think about how it’s taken me nearly 15 minutes to get my breath back

I think how it’s the exact same time it’s taken me to type this into my phone

I think how satisfying it is too step on the train just as they blow the whistle to signal it’s departure

I think of how infuriating it is to be on the other side 

I think

I do this all the time

06/01/2022

I finished a book on the train today

The best thing to happen. today.

It was a perfect ending; as I finished the last few sentences, the train rolled into the station

I ran to get on that train too

I wasted too many minutes marvelling at the underground cycling parking at Utrecht centraal,

seriously it's amazing. 

Actually I don’t think I wasted those minutes

I felt a bit off today,

I wrote a complaint earlier and the venom didn't leave my system for ages

Today is nearly tomorrow and I think it's gone. 

Tai-Chi

Chi-Tea 

I found the bean in the pie and now i'm the Queen

the second best thing to happen. Today.

I felt sad for Gabby & Tania 

I felt sad i won't see them as soon as I thought I would. 

I had an idea whilst waiting for the pizza in dePizzaBakkers 

But I've forgotten it now because

Today. 

I must go bouldering soon

Jesus, I hope they pay me soon

I'll speak to you soon 

I need to do that tomorrow too

I remember that time i auditioned for coach trip in the conference sweet of a hotel in Bristol

I'd love to go on that programme but i hate the way it's produced now.

On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous

And I long for the sunshine and for friendships to blossom and of course I

07/01/2022

and just like that I feel awful

A morning of such promise, a beautiful sunrise 

and I just rolled over, away from it all

The sun turned to grey turned to rain 

all day 

and of course i blamed myself

Nothing made sense today

foggy

and I spoke of fog and she said i was amazing 

and i wish i could believe it too

I've been thinking about acting all day

maybe I should start doing it again

I remember playing Puck in A Midsummer Nights Dream 

I remember playing a saucy vicar in a murder mystery -type play 

I remember playing a slave to the greek god Dionysus  

I remember playing an alien controlling humans from a typewriter

I remember playing The Lord High Underlying in our schools production of The Wiz, our majority white high school in an all white version of The Wiz 

I remember playing the angel Gabriel 

I remember playing the leader of the spartan women in Lysistrata

and seeing my dad looking so uncomfortable at seeing his son wearing a dress, wearing a bra, being feminine, playing a masculine feminine

I remember playing pallbearer 2 in A Christmas Carol 

i remember playing 

The sun will rise again tomorrow and I hope I won't roll over

I remember playing

and just like that i don't feel as awful as I just did.

08/01/2022

What I wanted from this I feel I’m missing most

Interval

A community

A commune 

a place

a table

a platform to host conversation 

and drink wine 

 

Two people sent me the exact same message

Two minutes apart;

Yess

Yess

With two S’s

I watched a video as I was scrolling through Instagram of an illustrator drawing two S’s 

A big S above a smaller s

Then he drew two bunnies hugging around them 

The S creating the gap in between the two arms embracing

One from Germany, the other from the Netherlands 

you can’t write S’s without two S’s

I now live on a street with two S’s and two E’s and two A’s

Now I’m thinking of the SS 

Who at one point in history would have walked this street I’m sure 

Weerdjesstraat

Weird S’s Straat 

Strange Signs 

Saying Something

Seeing S’s

Silent Struggles 

Seeking Speaking

Spellbound Silence 

Yess 

Yess

09/01/2022

and what a day it has been

Like it almost can not all be the same day

Egg in the nest eggcitment 

I swear they laced my coffee with with drugs 

I felt so high as we drove out the Ikea drive through 

Felt giddy giggling, the movement of 

cycle, van, Ikea, van, cycle, zoom 

Faces so flat on the screen 

Flatpacked faces 

He explained the course like a manual

but more complex

there is no long nosed figure pointing here

it's words and language and un- clear what we need to do

and every time he mentioned hospitality, I felt bitter

They apologised to me about the incident that left me feeling the loneliest I have felt in some time

so some closer which feels like a relief

I love these people and I want to build something together 

but how can we be hospitable when these weeks are only 5 

and then what? 

and then what? 

I cried whilst peeling the apple over a fucking table

and I'm aware of how privileged that is 

and I didn't mention the vineyard for the grapes, i didn't mention the vineuyatrd for the wine

I mentioned the vineyard for the community, the eating together

Later that day we ate together

I really feel that

it's important to eat together 

to share  

and i believe in the artistic practice

I will peel an apple again 

peel an apple and remember the poignancy of this exercise 

peel more of myself away

i feel my skin is still too thick to be here 

like my vulnerability is a pretence

like i'm performing 

It feels so different without Rickard

so different without Tania and Gabby in the room

so different

and the darkness doesn't help,

the winter doesn't help 

I feel jealous of other peoples friendships 

it's so narcissistic, immature, foolish, embarrassing, shameful

I want to be the core of the friendship group

I don't want to learn anything

I want to be the apple core

I want to be peeled 

i want this process to peel me 

I must offer myself 

My shiny red, hard surface

I will let you touch my skin

and you can peel me, 

peel all of me until i am soft

peel me until I am exposed to oxygen and i start to brown

peel me, I'm, yours

and then what? 

and 

TABLE

COMMUNITY

TOGETHERNESS

HOSPITALITY

CARE

CONNECTION

DINNER

OUTSIDE

GRAPES

PLEASURE

LONELY 

and 

and then what? 

10/01/2022

and I love how the fog can make something so big disappear

entirely

like A city 

disappeared 

Not metaphorically but literally, actually 

On a clear day I can see the huge church tower from my room

And now it is gone

Replaced by fog

It’s taken the rest of the city too

But as I walk towards it, the city returns to me 

But turn around to see where I have come from and that has vanished too

The fog has made all these big things completely disappear 

and i know it's a transgression of some kind but i can't quite tell you how

And Fay written in my notebook looks like fog

and fog written in my notebook looks like fag

and if he'd have offered me a straight cigarette last night, I would have accepted

but not one of these rolled up ones.

It was my favourite part of the text I wrote today, it made no sense but it entered my head and so it went on the paper

in the nature of diffracted learning, i thought it important to include

and i think it speaks of impressions, for me

and thats what's been pertinent today; filters

Like the image of smoking a cigarette from my open window, looking at the church only works with straight cigarettes 

straight, not fags, but cigarettes 

it's not the act of smoking, but the act of posing with a cigarette.

I tried to name as many instagram filters as I could

Rio de Janeiro  

Oslo

Havana

Los Angeles 

Gingam

Moon 

I later discovered that I Havana doesn't exist,

and not in a way that its been consumed by fog 

what does that say about me

about my British, english self

and years and years ago the ancestors of the land I call home

tore up the land of others 

and it relates to transgression somehow but i can't articulate it yet

there is no union jack filter 

but if there was it would make everything blood red 

with white faces and blue...

I give myself a filter and i call it: 

I must remember, celebrate my British humour 

I've never felt this funny before but like the clown I am also sometimes sad and i remember that 

the clown is the first transgressor. 

11/01/2022

and 6 minutes after leaving the studio I was sitting in McDonald’s

Waiting for an order

Dizzy and dreaming of what the others would be doing right now

It’s frustrating but I love the hectic-ness of the day

Days that were so empty are now so full

And as I cycle I think of the cheetah 

Not just for speed but prowess 

And I thought how a sentence of poetry can tell you a thousand things and is therefore more useful for a tight word count

I will write my essays like a poetic cheetah; fast with prowess and power 

And I love these people

I thought how much Danielle would have loved the bone meditation and the exercise before keeping one (or several) body parts connected to the floor. 

I thought of Gabby and Tania too,

How Tania's beautiful arms would have looked with an elbow and a hand glued to the floor

and when Andrea said about our gaze, our focus, or strength within our eyes, the fire, I thought of Gabby 

and those big, intense orbs in her skull

How difficult Rickard would have found the summarising of yesterday into 3 sentences,

His sentences would contain footnotes I’m sure 

and these notes all started from our our feet

and the church tower has disappeared again 

vanished blind

and i woke up this morning to check my phone and there was an internet page open 

and it was a google search for 

something i had not typed in and it said

Endless Poetry 

and it thought of the poetics of the day first 

how the poetics eclipse the politics

I wasn't reflexive then reflective 

and i might have de-fracted a bit 

and 168 people viewed my failed instagram story yesterday

just a colourful background with the word 'My' written in white typeface

and

I wasn't blind enough, like there were too many cooks spoiling the broth and those ingredients failed but I quite enjoy the taste of chaos.

Frustration at the brutality of the encounter; i wanted beauty, seamless beauty but fear, shouts, friction and wobbliness took hold. 

The shoes taking time impeded my blindfolded vision; wheeling through hands unknowing what they would touch as my phone also became blind, succumbing to the people around it. 

12/01/2022

Ryan Reviews: 2021

What a shit show

Nothing will be the same again but it will; we’ll just carry one. Highlight of the year, as we entered the second year of the pandemic was, the same for everyone;  the Eurovision Song Contest. My personal highlight was discovering the Love of Huns Instagram page. We must protest this shite year. Billionaires made billions during this time, we must protest our queer bodies against 2021, against this polarisation, we cannot forget what they did, the money made, the laws they passed, the topplers they persecuted, we must protest, we will remember, we will remember them. xoxo

(for Modern Queers)

And I'm thinking about the fungi

and connectedness

and how we sat eating dinner in the chaos discussing the challenge set for tomorrow

and It doesn't stop this kind of work 

and we kept going until we were all clear 

and although i'm clear in what I will do, I don't like it but this is the challenge for me.

They really told me what my challenge was and laid it out bare and I love them for this

I felt sad that she wasn't there 

that fear and anxiety and the rules of ArtyEZ have overtaken us

but I will see her tomorrow, 

early and for that i'm annoyed at her 

in the best, loving way

I like the thorny conversations

I find them far more interesting than the theory lectures

we spoke for 30 minutes on how we should interpret the wider corona rules on one specific member of our class,

It's touch, tough

it's tough because we have to enact it. 

follow it, 

and the fungi brings life and destroys it,

it exists in the thorns,

in the thorny material 

And as I stood there for 5 minutes, I started to shake

I was shaking in my knees like I had a disease 

like it was overcoming me

like i couldn't control it,

and tears started to well up inside me 

and wow what an exercise - to see everyone so vulnerable, so unpeeled 

and this is why am I am here 

to become unpeeled 

and i will endeavour to go further because this is the challenge for me

I think it'll almost be easier to be naked 

then I'd have some armour at least

but to stand there, exposed 

it's

13/01/2022

She said, and then in the next picture your pants are gone

And we all laughed

And she showed me the picture of me stood wearing nothing but my boxer shorts and a jacket

And I thought of a queer utopia

And I thought of Steef

And  my god I miss living with these people

 because they all come from different academic backgrounds 

It means they have to trust the other persons knowledge and skill and integrity in that particular area 

 but still they are academics

and they question the other persons reasoning but at the same time respect it too 

So they fight and the they scream inside

They think of all the funding they have recieved so bukebit all really is I lhcrntoh fsyb

and I'm typing this with some distance from the paragraph above

which I wrote whilst very drunk at 4am

we received feedback today and there was a lot of bullshit

If you ask to present an exercise and put up the specific parameters of 

challenge yourself

but then you give feedback outside of these parameters  

then who does it benefit 

I've loved all the sessions this week but this was frustrating 

and i feel we all felt frustrated 

I tried to iron out all the spelling mistakes 

but i have no idea what that says

i have no idea what i was trying to say 

so i'll leave it in and it might make sense to you

but it won't 

I just want to show you that i was having a fucking amazing time

14/01/2022

I didn't write this today but tomorrow

Woke up. Train. Watch. Work. Socialise. again. 

again

The straws throwing themselves off the costume was the best bit,

straws like javelins 

like torpedoes  

flying off like they were escaping something

black rockets, rocketing

and i thought of the non binary body inside 

and then i cycled straight from work to Vicky's with all my gear 

with all my heart 

I shredded layers like a snake in fast motion

They waited for me to start eating even though they were starving

an unnecessary sacrifice that made me feel gooey inside

Ermis, wow, thank you, just so fucking beautiful

they all are beautiful but Ermis tonight was shining 

and I think of him, and the struggle 

to be between 

two places 

and the intensity of both 

and i will cook roast potatoes for him 

and he will love all of us unconditionally 

but really unconditionally 

and there is stuff everywhere in this place 

because of course there is 

and Fay said every corner you look there is something delightful staring back at you, or something terrible

I wondered which one I was 

Oh and we laughed from out belly

and Fay wore that really sexy outfit 

and after these two days, I feel full

and i told Ermis that I have the appetite of a horse

at the moment

15/01/2022

It's 1:16am and I've slept way too little this weekend 

but I cooked roast potatoes 

and christened the table for the first time 

and Malika cycled all of that way 

and I smoked with the doors open

and although it wasn't summer 

and although they weren't straights 

I still smoked anyway

I love taking risks, I said

but i'm not sure I like watching you take risks and i said some really poetic things 

but i can't remember any of them now

and then we stared into each others eyes for 5 minutes 

and I felt

16/01/2022

Blue Monday

and it really was 

like really

the hostility

the atmosphere 

I'm ending this day here 

I don't believe in blue Monday

17/01/2022

I woke up and declared that everything I do today will be camp

and it really was 

I wore the bright yellow Hawaiian shirt that Tom gave me that originally came from his show about going on holiday

and I wore leggings 

and went to action to buy a pink face masks 

because we have to wear those inside the building

and the energy is still askew but no where near as bad as yesterday

and i've understood that i understand camp well

and Tomas raised a very good point about camp only existing in the English language 

and Sontag is like a bible for me 

because i think it speaks to english humour particularly well

it plays to my strengths 

camp can be cynical without being nasty 

it looks for joy but in a self aware manor

I must go Beyond Camp 

I said that in my pitch for my performance

I don't know where the idea of a séance came from but now i think about it,

a séance is camper than Christmas

And the piercing of my ears will allow me to become the manifestation of camp 

although i know it's an impossible task

we must try 

we must try 

and when i started speaking about Sinitta,

their confused faces looking back

faces from Greece and Italy and Germany 

and I'm telling them about that time Sinitta went on the X-Factor just wearing leafs and what a seminal moment this was

and then I told them about the Video to the song 'So Macho' 

and I said it's beyond camp 

and in unison they said thats it 

and i didn't get why 

but they were like  thats it, thats it

so i highlighted it in my book 

but i think i understand it now, i'm on a mission to go beyond camp 

and so I will call my performance Beyond Camp 

or

Seyoncé 

18/01/2022

Dress rehearsal day

Madness

But felt good

I got pizza for my friends 

and left my bag in DePizzaBakkers 

it's a miracle that someone was ther at 23:20 

But they were and I thank them

Truely

19/01/2022

Béyond

Tonight  I went beyond 

In this performance I laid myself on a table 

wearing a fabulous dress

I held a Séance 

whilst my ears were pierced by Fay Aldhukair 

in an act of banal camp transcendence 

It was fabulous 

I feel fabulous

and I felt the energies of the other performaances 

of the whole event 

and we danced afterwards 

illegally 

and it felt amazing

20/01/2022

Why

Because I struggle to be vulnerable

Because sometimes I feel I perform everything I do in life

Because every performance has it’s own filter

Because every performance has it’s own frame ]

because every day has it’s own filter and todays is called Mid-Fog 3.6

Because every day has it’s own frame

Because I can not think of performance without thinking about devices

Because I communicate through devices

Because Space is so important

Because my brother is an interior designer

Because as early as I can remember we have talked about how people use spaces

Because we built Lego structures of TV Studios and Houses, And resteraunts and imagined ourselves within the plastic walls

Because I am alone

Because I see the world through frames that hang on my face

Because I have bad eyesight

Because Light controls how we see evything

Because I love to control the light

Because I am camp

Because I love being theatrical

Because Mucho Mucho Amour

Because I love to be irreverent

Because I am British

Because when I hear him laugh, It’s sounds like ectacy

Because I want to make him laugh

Because when things look clean, they become clear

Because I am queer

Because I am in search of beauty

Because I am weird

Because I have been tought to use everything

Because I have been taught to think about everything

Because I have been taught

Because I have been using the word And

Because and

21/01/2022

Saturday

I don't think I slept as well as I wanted too

This is the down after the high

Decided not go to Germany 

I think I will regret it

Needed to buy several things from the charity shop

but only bought two things

i didn't need them

a blouse I was unsure about but had a good feeling about

A strange painting in a fabulous, dramatic frame 

wore the shirt to Steef's mini party 

Everyone loved it

new strategy for clothes I'm unsure about:

wear them immediately 

and then you will know 

22/01/2022

Old habits die for a couple of weeks and then I start doing them again 

Or I don’t

It’s hard to pick things back up again

But I must,

I must try harder 

Challenge myself to reach the learning outcomes

I don’t want to have to visit a jewellery shop to get gold or silver ear rings

I want to keep these cheap tacky ones from Claire’s 

And today has been a low point but at least I’m at work now

At least I made it this far

And I have to remember that leap I made to make here

To leave the UK behind 

And how well it’s gone really

Like in a time when the cultural sectors stopped entirely I was able to work

And now I’m actually studying what I want to study 

I can’t wIt to tell Tom about the performance on Thursday

I think he’ll love it

 

I think I’m moving further away from my brother,

He bought a sports car today, a two seat Mercedes’ Benz

The same day I told him I got my ears pierced in a performance 

I’ve never heard someone cringe down a phone before until then

But he did

Like at what I did 

What young women and women and queer boys and queer men 

And all the genders

Everyone on that spectrum 

They pierce they’re ears

They do it all the time 

A banal act 

He found completely shocking

23/01/2022

And just like that

A bad day is followed by a slightly less bad one

I’ve been busy all day though

Bit got nothing g done

Gifted an extra day

That gets thrown away

He said he liked my performance 

And he bought me socks

I told him on Thursday that when I hugged him, it felt like home 

Which is true

But I wish it wasn’t 

And maybe we communicate better when we don’t talk

Maybe we need to be comfortable in confusion 

I got rejected from Delft Fringe today

I’m surprised at her surprise at every application 

She has an unstoppable optimism 

Every application sent, she thinks we will get in

Without doubt 

It’s a wonderful quality

That I don’t have 

I told her today that I think I’m growing you her as I grow old 

I’m atrophy

Don’t listen

Moody 

Catastrophe 

 

He asked me how I got through life 

And I really couldn’t answer him

24/01/2022

I Packed my suitcase

And emptied my porridge into a Tupperware box

Took the train to Zwolle 

ad thought about how marvellous Mar is for making this happen

It's part of the course but it really feels like holiday 

like we are are travelling together 

and staying for 3 nights in an air BnB 

Zwolle is a nice place on first impressions

I hope this lockdown ends so i can go to a bar tomorrow

I can't work out if she's from Australia or New Zealand

But I felt the opposite during that exercise

ah god it's good to move and dance in a space with these people 

Ah she's definitly Australian 

25/01/2022

I used a wine bottle as a water bottle today

It was great

Whenever I drank water in the exercise class

Everyone looked at me like I was strange 

Mar let out this brilliant laugh every-time i drank from it

The people who were working at the canteen commented on it too 

like isn't it a bit early for that 

I think it's quite transgressive 

I should try it with a vodka bottle next week 

but maybe thats too much. 

This lyric green is a very camp colour

Why would these choose this colour for the police force in Colombia

I feel proud and empowered watching the video Paula has made us watch

I love the way she says 

‘Take 30 seconds to take note of how your body feels physically after watching the video’

Tired 

I find her so attractive

But I don’t think it’s just the video 

I must make some work with Gab I think

I should ask Geraldine where she bought that beautiful notebook

 

And I’d like to control my hunger 

And be less selfish 

But I’m hungry and tired and now they are just talking about talking for ever

It’s a fucking email not an essay 

I’m trying to prioritise pleasure but it’s challenging 

My method of just say yes works most of the time 

But when the question is 

Shall we discuss it more

Today 

Now 

On a bench in Zwolle

I say no

Not tonight hun

26/01/2022

I thought of every person I had met on a dance floor and had sex with 

The release

The innate humanity of dance 

Wow letting go feels so goooooooooooooood

And I looked around at the people around me

My beautiful peers

My friends

My lovers 

And I felt everything 

While forgetting it all

And I thought of Emma

And how she said that dance was the art form of the 21st century 

And now I agree with her

I want to perform dancing more

To move myself across stages

Across oceans 

Across continents 

I feel unashamedly myself

I feel sexy

I feel sex

They are so connected to me

I want to have sex with the person leading this workshop 

I think they are divinely gorgeous 

To me they are perfection

Calm, soft, fun, serious, engaging, beautiful

But I really fell in love when I saw them dance 

When I saw them let go as I was letting go.  

27/01/2022

Last night we went to a bar for the first time this year

The restrictions had lifted whilst we were in a city called Zwolle

It was fabulous 

We were like teenagers again

We talked about sex

And played Spin the Bottle

We have an average age of 31

Or something like that

He said

‘Let’s get lost’

I love those words but found the action difficult 

I always need to know where I am

But with him I like not knowing 

But he doesn’t 

Which of course is problematic 

He saw me as a different person tonight

A serous professional 

Maybe it scared him 

Or maybe we will always see things from opposing sides

I understand we are magnets 

Both pulling 

And repelling 

He will probably tell you the opposite 

Because we are magnets

28/01/2022

And the package finally arrived 

I cried at the message my mum wrote in my Christmas card

I laughed at receiving Christmas cards in nearly February 

I laughed at he mum spelt sense 

Senc

I didn’t do a lot but I applied for Amsterdam fringe festival

I hope I get it

but then again

29/01/2022

30/01/2022

Last night I cried about the aids pandemic 

Again

But this time I really felt it,

I felt angry

And upset 

And ashamed

And because it didn’t effect my life, it’s hard to have emotional attachments towards it 

But now I do

I understand we are in the hangover of this pandemic 

As we’ve entered a new one 

Like a hangover 

We can not quite see the night before with clarity

Everything is slightly hazy 

But we are beginning to piece together what happened 

And the scale 

You have to be the poetry you write

It’s not enough to sit at a table and write in order to make but we must start becoming what we make

This comes at a cost 

Of course

But the more you dedicate yourself to it

The more it will come with ease 

Because it’s a privilege to become an artist 

To make art is not therapy

but rather it should eat into the society of the world 

Notes from an Andrea Pagnes lecture 

31/01/2022